Julius Caesar’s “Almost” Assassination

Sydney Wickelgren

The soothsayer chided Julius Caesar scornfully. “You young dictators. Don’t deny the truth in

the stars and moon.” Caesar rolled his eyes as the soothsayer waved her arms dramatically.

“What a bit of rubbish,” Julius said. He started walking back to the Senate house. Caesar had

just walked through the doorway when every senator stood up and looked at him. In the white,

cold room, pillars held up the ceiling, and chairs were organized in a semicircle. Light seeped in

through the windows, shining upon the glorious statue of Pompey.

The first to speak was Bob. “Ah, dearest Julius Caesar! Mighty leader!” Dumbfounded, Julius

sat down. The senators swarmed him. Julius was alarmed at the movements of the Senate. But

then, he relaxed and smugly said, “Well, I am finally getting the respect that I deserve.”

“Powerful sir, can I have your advice?”

“Great and powerful sir, may I have your assistance?”

“Wonderful, great, and powerful Lord, please give me you humble, wise, and respectable

advice.”

“Enough!” Julius Caesar barked. He stood up and said, “What is with you today?”

“Why, nothing, sir,” said Stan. “We are just in awe that you are all­powerful, mighty, and

strong.” Stan felt relieved as Julius sat again.

“Well, senators, I cannot deny this new respect.”

Suddenly, Joe tore his creamy robe in half. It fell in a circle around him. Embarrassing

undershorts and a hairy chest was revealed. Julius gasped.

“Attaaaack!” Shouted Joe. The senators charged at Caesar with sharp knives and daggers.

Julius was first cut by Bob, on the shoulder. Julius Caesar launched himself out of the chair as

the savage people started stabbing the chair. The senators didn’t notice that Caesar wasn’t in

the chair. Instead, they blindly slashed at space, sometimes cutting other senators by accident.

“Aw, come on, Joe! You stabbed my rib!” Stan hollered.

“Sorry, Stan! Ow! Hey, cut it out, Bart! Kill Caesar, not me!” Joe yelled.

“Whoops! Oh, sorry, Dan, I didn’t see you there!” Bart cried.

“Hey, where did Caesar go?”

Caesar was crawling pitifully out of the house. He had been cut on the leg and hip as well.

Caesar toppled down the stairs of the building until he was outside. Sitting up, he saw a

different, larger statue of Pompey staring down at him.

“AAAAH!” Screamed Caesar. He fell to the ground again, now rolling downhill. “Ooh! Ow! Ah!

Eesh! Ooh! Owee!” He cried, bumping down the gravelly hill.

Finally, he stopped. He looked up slowly, and he saw the creepy face of his very own

soothsayer. She cackled and said, “I told you so.”

THE END

…or is it?????